jaded

This can't go on.  He doesn't mean to be messing with me, he doesn't love me but he does care ... but he's messing with me.  I'm letting him.  

What benefit is there in this?

the dance continues

Sunday evening he sent me a 'gift.'  

He also gave me a 'kudos' on my blog, which he'd never done before.  In two years.  

Monday he sent me a 'gift.'

Tuesday evening I logged in and wrote another blog, and sent him a 'gift' back.

A few hours later he sent me another 'gift.'

But not one word has been exchanged between us in a month, by voice, text, email. 

Nothing.

Just these weird exchanges of virtual Vampire game gifts.

Is this normal at all??  He's 37.  I'm 46.  

It's not normal, is it?  

Still, in a weird kind of way it's sweet.

Up to him.  I'm standing my ground.  I don't really care if we never speak again.  Somehow getting the gifts and giving them back is enough.  That's the weirdest part of all.

small steps

I can't say I really understand how things got so bad between he and I.  We were down to texting each other on the one day I knew he would be away from her, many but not all weeks, and reading each other's blogs.  A year ago we were meeting once a week.  Funny how friendships fall apart.

I felt low about it all, being in love with him, and he was perhaps fed up.  I think when my cat died that felt like a bigger wedge... again, I don't know why.  Maybe because he was a little cold at first, and then perhaps I was so distant that he thought I was angry?

He sent me virtual Vampire game gifts on MySpace.  With no messages.  This is from a 37 year old man that I've known for over 3 years.  Sigh.  I sent him one back finally, a few weeks after, on Friday and he sent me one back again that day, and also posted a blog which felt as if it were written at least in part for me.  I waited until today and then sent HIM another gift back, and posted my own blog, referencing something he wrote about in an oblique way.

I simply don't want to be the one to contact him first.  He may feel the same, he may feel that it's up to me, his girlfriend may have asked him to not contact me... I just don't know. Whatever, if he wants to keep sending Vampire gifts back and forth, I'll do that with him, but I'm not going to text or email him directly until he does. 

This is like a dance, albeit a high school dance - I will take a step as he does, but not before.  I'm finished with that.  It needs to be more equal if it's going to be at all.

______

As I was writing this he's sent me another 'message' on MySpace, likely another game gift with no comment.  

The dance continues.  Come to think of it, the rapidity of his responses seems to indicate just a tiny bit of interest .... he's not playing it cool and waiting, he's responding on the same day.  Lol.  Wtf.

I feel like we're fifteen!

the dream and the nightmare

Most new-fangled spiritual books will say that we create our own reality, that none of us our victims but rather co-creators of these experiences, by our thoughts and intentions and emotions.

I think whether or not this is true, it is perhaps a helpful way of looking at the world.  If I experience pain (as I have with 'him'), then instead of just feeling hurt I can say to myself, "Why am I drawing this experience to me? Is it a reflection of my own insecurity, or did I need to learn a deeper lesson about unconditional love?"  The point being that if I do look at an experience which was painful, over which I have no control, and instead place it in my life as a learning experience, an opportunity to increase my happiness, etc., then I'm probably going to feel happier.

In the end isn't that a better starting point in life?

I'm not really there, though. I  have moments, and days even, where I can be in that space, but I still fall back into the maelstrom of pain on occasion.  I find I don't like it there.  I much prefer to feel that all of life is one, that nothing happens 'to' me, but that rather I am just part of a whole and can change the way I express myself to change the outcomes.

____

A little example of this happened the other day.  I'd stopped going to the gym many months ago, partly because I was just feeling self-destructive and miserable over 'him' but partly because they were spraying this horrible chemical air-freshener, every 15 minutes, through the ventilating system.  I'd be working out and I'd be breathing deeply and then Ugh! my throat and nasal passages would burn with the stuff.  

At the time I wrote a letter about it, but I felt a victim of the circumstances and felt also that they wouldn't do anything about it.  Guess what?  They didn't.

Realising that I needed to get back to the gym, really and truly, last week I talked a friend into metaphorically holding my hand to get me back there.  All was fantastic, big grin on my face, and then the spray ... Ugh!

This time, though, instead of feeling a victim of it, I just thought, 'Well it's perfectly reasonable of me to ask them to discontinue or replace it.  There is a lot of evidence that breathing air fresheners is harmful to one's health.  I'm sure they'll be fine with it, they will probably be glad I said something, because they don't want to be damaging people's health at a fitness centre!'

I rang them up, spoke to someone, told him how I felt and why, and he said he'd look into it.  In the UK, that means I might hear back in 2 or 3 weeks, if he's really on the ball.  In the meantime I sent him an email with links to articles about air freshener chemicals, in case he wanted any evidence to back up the request to the manager of the club (this was my local council's office, and the gym is one of their leisure centres).

A few hours later I got a call saying that the manager of the gym had disconnected the apparatus.  It was all done.  Just like that.

I went to the gym on Sunday morning, and the absence of chemicals was a wonderful thing.  

I wish things were so simple with 'him.'  He doesn't even seem to want to have contact with me.  I don't understand how we could be so close as friends and then how he could cut me out of his heart like this.  I understand it's not easy with his girlfriend, but he's got other women friends ... did he just start feeling contempt for me for no particular reason?  That is how he is treating me.

Now what does that say about how I feel about myself .... ? : )

life is beautiful

I just feel happy today. 

: )

God I miss him.

Elephant's best friend

Do yourself a favour and stop playing at 2:30 otherwise the American 'rah-rah' will make you want to vomit (and I'm American, remember?), but this is a very sweet tale.