jaded

This can't go on.  He doesn't mean to be messing with me, he doesn't love me but he does care ... but he's messing with me.  I'm letting him.  

What benefit is there in this?

the dance continues

Sunday evening he sent me a 'gift.'  

He also gave me a 'kudos' on my blog, which he'd never done before.  In two years.  

Monday he sent me a 'gift.'

Tuesday evening I logged in and wrote another blog, and sent him a 'gift' back.

A few hours later he sent me another 'gift.'

But not one word has been exchanged between us in a month, by voice, text, email. 

Nothing.

Just these weird exchanges of virtual Vampire game gifts.

Is this normal at all??  He's 37.  I'm 46.  

It's not normal, is it?  

Still, in a weird kind of way it's sweet.

Up to him.  I'm standing my ground.  I don't really care if we never speak again.  Somehow getting the gifts and giving them back is enough.  That's the weirdest part of all.

small steps

I can't say I really understand how things got so bad between he and I.  We were down to texting each other on the one day I knew he would be away from her, many but not all weeks, and reading each other's blogs.  A year ago we were meeting once a week.  Funny how friendships fall apart.

I felt low about it all, being in love with him, and he was perhaps fed up.  I think when my cat died that felt like a bigger wedge... again, I don't know why.  Maybe because he was a little cold at first, and then perhaps I was so distant that he thought I was angry?

He sent me virtual Vampire game gifts on MySpace.  With no messages.  This is from a 37 year old man that I've known for over 3 years.  Sigh.  I sent him one back finally, a few weeks after, on Friday and he sent me one back again that day, and also posted a blog which felt as if it were written at least in part for me.  I waited until today and then sent HIM another gift back, and posted my own blog, referencing something he wrote about in an oblique way.

I simply don't want to be the one to contact him first.  He may feel the same, he may feel that it's up to me, his girlfriend may have asked him to not contact me... I just don't know. Whatever, if he wants to keep sending Vampire gifts back and forth, I'll do that with him, but I'm not going to text or email him directly until he does. 

This is like a dance, albeit a high school dance - I will take a step as he does, but not before.  I'm finished with that.  It needs to be more equal if it's going to be at all.

______

As I was writing this he's sent me another 'message' on MySpace, likely another game gift with no comment.  

The dance continues.  Come to think of it, the rapidity of his responses seems to indicate just a tiny bit of interest .... he's not playing it cool and waiting, he's responding on the same day.  Lol.  Wtf.

I feel like we're fifteen!