A few days ago I got an email from Myspace, telling me that I had a message from 'him'. I still haven't logged in yet to read it. Here are the possibilities, and why they all suck:
1) He's lovely and warm and concerned, and it just makes me feel sadder.
2) He's brief and cool, and therefore not leaving room for any response.
3) It's simply a generic email to everyone on his Friends list, asking if they are online and want to IM, in which case it was not only not for me, it was meant for someone else entirely as he must know I haven't logged in in over a week.
Can you see why it is best not to know?
If he really wanted to contact me, why wouldn't he write to my email address, or just text me?
There was a moment or two where I felt excited but then ultimately it's only been hurtful to have this tiny bit of contact/non-contact, knowing that I mean almost nothing to him, and feeling rather awkward and exposed because he means so much to me.
I just want to keep walking, walking away. If he really comes to me and takes my arm and says, 'hey wait a minute,' I'll be there for him, but why would he? It's probably easier for him to have me gone.
I know I sound really pathetic and dramatic, and I don't know how to explain this satisfactorily to a stranger ... If you can understand what it feels like to not feel at home with another person, not even members of your family, not your friends, not your lovers, not your husband, even though you might not realise what that means because you don't have anything to compare it to ... and then suddenly you meet a person, not a great person, a flawed person, a person not right for you in many ways, not meeting your list, and not even being available! ... and yet, for the first time in your life you feel like you are with family ....
Does that help explain why this is so hard?
No comments:
Post a Comment